i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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