i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
