Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
