So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize