The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
