I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
