My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
