Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
