Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
