It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
