Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
