Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
