Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
