There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
