I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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