Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
