Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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