Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
