Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
did you just send me my own nude
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
