Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
