I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He better not be in your backpack
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
