i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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