his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
