i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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