I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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