I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I can tuck mytits in my pants
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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