so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
