I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
