I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
