Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
