It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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