i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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