I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
