this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
