She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize