Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
