My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
