you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
