Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize