I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
