well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
