I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
