moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
