Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize