Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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