My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
