I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
