i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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