So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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