I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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