There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she told me i tasted like america
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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