did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is Oprah even human
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
