i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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