you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
