so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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