Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
