Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
