My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The best revenge is premature balding
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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