My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
