Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my shit smells like andre
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
