we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
