3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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