the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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