you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
