I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
