I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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