you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
