you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't want my vagina anymore.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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