textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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