I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize