The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
